The Day You Went Away
by ihearthuxon
Summary: A few months ago Phil got killed by Sam's suspect. Step by step is she losing her grip on reality until there's no way back...
1. The Day You Went Away

**This is not a story in the classic way. These are Sam's thoughts in the last hours of her life. These are fragments of her thoughts.  
If you don't understand it, please send me a pm and I will explain it to you. I'm looking forward to the reviews and the thoughts of you guys have after you have read this. If you like this style of writing, there's a chance I will write more of this in the future. But only if you guys like it, ofcourse.  
Okay, now I'm going to let you read it, I hope you enjoy it!  
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**_This is a story about Sam's thoughts in the last hours of her life. A few months ago Phil got killed by Sam's suspect. Step by step is she losing her grip on reality. Until there's no way back..._

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**The Day You Went Away**

I can still remember the day like it was yesterday when there's already 6 months passed since that day. He was my suspect and he was aggressive. I didn't searched him for weapons. How was I suppose to know what was going to happen? Every time I close my eyes I see it again. I still see the anger in the man's eyes and the fear in Phil's eyes.  
The suspect got angry. We couldn't control him. He grabbed his knife that was in a holster at his ankle. Phil never saw it happen. The look on his face changed. The first person he looked at was me. I ran to him, holding him while he fell on the floor. I pushed my hands to his chest. Within seconds they were covered in blood. His blood. It was like everything around us was quiet. But it wasn't. I talked to him, tried to comfort him by saying everything would be allright. He just smiled and said _"don't be scared. I will always love you." _He pinched my hand and closed his eyes. _Forever_.

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The moment he got stabbed I will never forget. It even made a sound. It was a cold and raw sound when the knife made his way through the flesh and bones of his body. The doctor told me he never felt pain and I tried so hard to believe that. There was no pain in his eyes. No pain and no fear. He must've known he was going to die. And he was ready for it. The only thing I saw in his eyes was compassion and grief. He didn't want to let me behind. Even in his last minutes his thoughts were with me. The moment he died my heart turned in a big hole inside my chest.

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I think I didn't talked for days. At least it seemed that way. The days were long without him, the nights even longer. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. They were no tears left to cry. The tears ran up, but the pain only grew. There were days I couldn't hear what other people said. I could only hear his voice. He was still talking to me, at least it seemed that way. There were mornings I woke up and I was sure of the fact that he was still alive. The disappointment was big when I felt the empty space beside me in bed. Every time again, my heart broke a little more.

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I can feel his hands still on me. When I lie in bed and hold really still I can feel his hands on me like he used to move them. Soft and gently but sure of their destination. Feeling your hands on my skin causes my heart to skip a beat. As his hands move further on my body I can almost feel his breath on my face. When I reach my bittersweet climax I almost forget how much I miss you. I hate myself for giving myself this feeling. I close my eyes and cry myself to sleep with the knowledge of you never being here again.  
_Happy birthday Phil_.

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I tried to keep his voice and his face in my head for as long as possible. I expected to feel the pain of the blade cutting through my skin but I didn't felt a thing. The pain inside was too big. It had consumed me. The blood felt like a warm blanket covering myself into a warm and secure place. Though I did not knew what was coming, I wasn't scared. I kept seeing his face until that one drop of blood caused me to lose consciousness. The next thing I remembered was you. You took my hand, smiled and whispered: "_I've been waiting for you_"


	2. Goodbye

_I can still remember the day like it was yesterday when there's already 6 months passed since that day. He was my suspect and he was aggressive. I didn't searched him for weapons. How was I suppose to know what was going to happen? Every time I close my eyes I see it again. I still see the anger in the man's eyes and the fear in Phil's eyes.  
The suspect got angry. We couldn't control him. He grabbed his knife that was in a holster at his ankle. Phil never saw it happen. The look on his face changed. The first person he looked at was me. I ran to him, holding him while he fell on the floor. I pushed my hands to his chest. Within seconds they were covered in blood. His blood. It was like everything around us was quiet. But it wasn't. I talked to him, tried to comfort him by saying everything would be allright. He just smiled and said __"don't be scared. I will always love you." __He pinched my hand and closed his eyes. __Forever__._

It was a beautiful cold winter day in January. The sky was blue and it was snowing. I woke up early. Too early to get up for work. The first thing I saw that morning was him. He was still sleeping, not knowing of what was going to happen that day. He opened his eyes and smiled at me. I remember how I praised myself for being so lucky. I remember how I wished that it would never end. He pulled me closer to him, kissed my hair and said to me _"You make me so happy"_.  
Two hours later we we're both at Sun Hill, ready to start working. In jail there was that drug dealer. He was my suspect and for some reason I failed to check him on weapons. I got him out of his cell and took him to the interrogation room. In the hallway Phil crossed our path. I remember how he smiled at me and touched my hand while he was passing by. That gesture must have triggered that man. I was still sedated by the feeling his touch had given me when I felt how I lost my grip on the suspect. In only one second he had grabbed his knife and stabbed Phil in the chest.  
The first second I couldn't do anything. I just stood there and watched him fell to the ground. I could catch him before he hit the ground. I remember myself holding him in my arms. I wanted to scream and cry but somehow I couldn't. I pushed my hands to his chest, I wanted to stop the bleeding. I looked into his eyes and he looked into mine. I whispered to him and I still know what I said to him. _"Everything is going to be allright. You'll make it through this. You'll be fine." _Now I realize how hollow these words must have sound to him knowing that he wouldn't be allright. He took my hand and rubbed with his thumb my hand. He smiled and said _"don't be scared. I will always love you."_ He pinched my hand one last time and closed his eyes. Forever. I begged him to open his eyes, I screamed at him to open his eyes. But he didn't. And when I finally realized he was gone I could only say _"I love you so much"_ I couldn't say goodbye to him, I hadn't got a chance to say goodbye.  
Until they carried away his body I never noticed the blood on my hands. It was his blood. I remembered myself staring at them for hours while warm tears were running down my cheeks.

The moment I came home, in the flat we shared, I collapsed. I fell to the ground and I cried. I cried for hours and hours and when the tears finally stopped, I pulled myself from the ground. I gathered all his stuff and threw it all away. The next days I cried, I organized his funeral and I cried. I never thought someone could cry for so long.

After 6 days of crying and missing him so badly I thought I would die myself I went to his funeral. I didn't hear a thing people said to him or to me. All I could think about was that last morning we shared, how he kissed my hair and told me how happy he was. The moment they lowered his coffin to the ground and the first pile of dirt hit it, the world seemed to had stopped turning. That noise was so loud I thought I had gone def. I would never ever forget that noise. I would never ever forget him and the love he gave me.


	3. Cold Metal

_**Thanks to S-Nixon (Laura) and HuXoN 4-EvA (Sam) to review the previous chapter. I love you for that!**_

**_Here's part 3 of this short-fic-story. Hope you'll like it. (And if you don't please tell me to ;) )_**

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**Cold Metal**

_The moment he got stabbed I will never forget. It even made a sound. It was a cold and raw sound when the knife made his way through the flesh and bones of his body. The doctor told me he never felt pain and I tried so hard to believe that. There was no pain in his eyes. No pain and no fear. He must've known he was going to die. And he was ready for it. The only thing I saw in his eyes was compassion and grief. He didn't want to let me behind. Even in his last minutes his thoughts were with me. The moment he died my heart turned in a big hole inside my chest._

I never heard such a cold and raw sound. I can still hear it when I close my eyes. I never won't forget it and I doubt if I ever want to forget it. Because it belongs to the last minutes of our life together. The doctor told me he had no pain. I have no reason to disagree that. In his eyes I never saw pain, only compassion and grief. I could tell by the look in his eyes he was afraid to leave me behind. He was always there for me. To comfort me, to talk to me, to be with me. In his last minutes he asked himself who was going to be there for me when he wasn't anymore. The only thing I knew that moment was that I loved him and that I would never ever love anyone as much as I loved him. I missed him already, even if he wasn't gone yet. I held him in my arms and I was more afraid then he ever was during that moment. He knew he was going to die and he accepted it. And all I was doing was convincing myself he wasn't going to die. He looked at me and took my hand. "Don't be afraid, I will always be with you." I couldn't believe this was the end of our life together. He closed his eyes and I felt myself turning into ice from inside out. For minutes it seemed like the world had stopped turning and it changed into ice without any living creature on it. When I woke up from my illusion the world was still turning but his heart had stopped beating forever. The world hadn't changed into ice, but inside my chest, my heart had changed into a big hole. A hole that no-one could ever fill.

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**Reviews are loved =)**


	4. Love Is A Lonely Place Without You

**Thanks to Thebillnut and Laura (S-Nixon) for reviewing. It's greatly appreciated !!**

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**Love Is A Lonely Place Without You**

_I think I didn't talked for days. At least it seemed that way. The days were long without him, the nights even longer. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. They were no tears left to cry. The tears ran up, but the pain only grew. There were days I couldn't hear what other people said. I could only hear his voice. He was still talking to me, at least it seemed that way. There were mornings I woke up and I was sure of the fact that he was still alive. The disappointment was big when I felt the empty space beside me in bed. Every time again, my heart broke a little more._

We sat together on the couch. You were watching TV and I was looking outside to the first snow that was falling and covered everything under a little white layer. I was thinking about work and the case that wouldn't get solved. It was getting on my nerves. You didn't had to ask what I was thinking, you just knew. Instinctly.  
You pulled me closer and hugged me, pulling me out of my thoughts. You planted a kiss on my forehead and ran your fingers through my hair. You said calm and patiently: _"Stop thinking about it. It will be alright. In the end, everything is always alright._" I smiled at you and caressed your fingers with mine. I closed my eyes and you kissed me tenderly. I deepened the kiss and started unbuttoning your shirt. Before we both realized, we were both naked, lying on the couch and making love to each other. There was no love sweeter than yours. After we both got our release, we just stayed there lying on the couch. I crawled close you in search of your warmth. You pulled me as close as possible and held me in your arms.  
I opened my eyes and looked at the other side of the bed. Slowly it occurred to me that it was a dream. I keep dreaming of you. Even after 6 months. It confuses me every time again. Every time I am sure you are still alive. When I feel the cold sheets a single tear rolls over my cheek. I miss you more than I can comprehend. I close my eyes and try to fight the tears away. It's like you are next to me trying to comfort me but there is nothing that could comfort me, I am lost in my own weakness. Everything I do, everything I hear reminds me of you. You were my soulmate. We needed no words to understand what the other was thinking. God, I loved the thought of you knowing me better than anyone else did. I loved the thought of you just knowing what was going on in my mind without me telling you. And I loved you, I still love you.

_No longer mourn for me when I am dead __  
__Then you shall hear the surly sullen bell __  
__Give warning to the world that I am fled __  
__From this vile world, with vilest worms to dwell: __  
__Nay, if you read this line, remember not __  
__The hand that writ it; for I love you so __  
__That I in your sweet thoughts would be forgot __  
__If thinking on me then should make you woe._  
**- Shakespeare - Sonnet LXXI**

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**Like always: reviews are loved ;)**

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